The loss of a baby during the prenatal period is a very difficult ordeal in the parents' journey. Thus, the suffering of a loved one who is experiencing the loss of their baby can make us feel helpless and unwilling to support them well. In this sense, several people may feel uncomfortable, others may react in an awkward manner, and some may simply avoid the subject. However, parents who are going through this loss greatly need the support of their loved ones. Therefore, we want to equip you to help you better support a loved one during perinatal bereavement.
It is common to have difficulty finding the right words and the right actions to take when someone close to us is suffering. It is perfectly normal and valid to fear saying the wrong thing or making the situation worse. It is important to understand that for bereaved parents, having a trustworthy person who is available to listen to them is a big help. In this sense, giving them space to share their sorrows and share their memories will not cause more pain. On the contrary, it allows them to express their emotions and, by the same token, to relieve them.
Here are some tips you can apply when caring for a bereaved loved one:
- Use a neutral and delicate tone of voice
- Offer your sympathies to the parents. To do this, you can tell them that you are there for them to help them, that their situation affects you and that you are thinking of them during this difficult time. Feel free to share your sorrow with them, it can be comforting for parents to know that the death of their child has also affected their loved ones. You can also demonstrate your sympathy through your non-verbal language such as a hug, a handshake, etc.
- Call the baby by name and encourage parents to talk about their babies. It can be comforting for parents to talk about their child, so don't change the subject if they tell you about it, as it may hurt them. Listen to them share their precious memories with their babies for as long as they need them. If in doubt, simply ask them if they want to talk about their story and share their experiences.
- Reassure parents. During perinatal bereavement, parents may feel the need to hear that their child has received all the love and care they need and that they are not responsible for the loss of their baby.
Some words and actions can have negative repercussions. So, here are phrases and actions to avoid when caring for a loved one in perinatal bereavement:
- Avoid saying cliches that are empty of meaning such as: “It's for the best”, “At least you know you are fertile” or “At least you have another child”. This type of sentence can minimize the loss as well as the suffering of parents.
- Do not judge or take reactions personally. The behaviors and emotions during bereavement can be more vivid and powerful. So it's normal for feelings such as guilt, fear, and anger to occur more spontaneously.
- Avoid saying that you understand the pain, unless you too have gone through the same ordeal. Even in this context, it is important not to compare feelings and experiences since each loss and each grieving process is different.
- Avoid telling parents how they should feel or what they should do to get better. Even if you do this in a caring way, you should not force recovery during a time of bereavement. In this sense, don't try to force parents out of the house or talk about their emotions if they don't want to. Respecting the parents' rhythm is essential.
- Do not ask parents to console you for your pain. It's normal to feel heartbreak after a death. However, parents are not in a position to provide the comfort you need to help you. Do not hesitate to seek professional help if needed.
To conclude, remember that there are no cures or miracle phrases to make the sadness and anger of bereaved parents disappear. Despite this, your presence and your ability to listen can greatly make a difference in order to support them during this difficult ordeal. If you notice that symptoms of depression get worse over time, do not hesitate to share your concerns with loved ones in a caring manner in order to get professional help.
If you are supporting a person experiencing perinatal bereavement and want support to help you better support your loved one, contact us. Our nurses are trained in perinatal bereavement support and will be able to guide you. Sources:
The Perseids (2021) Perinatal bereavement support: Helping a loved one who is grieving. https://www.lesperseides.org/soutenir
CHU Sainte-Justine (2019). Words to use and those to avoid: Accompany bereaved parents. https://www.chusj.org/fr/soins-services/C/complications-de-grossesse/Deuil-perinatal-mort-perinatale/aider/accompagner/mots-a-utiliser
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