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2025

Supporting a loved one through perinatal loss

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Losing a baby during the perinatal period is a very difficult ordeal in parents' lives. Faced with the suffering of someone close who is going through such a loss, you can feel helpless and ill-equipped to support them. Some people feel uncomfortable, others react awkwardly, and a few prefer to avoid the subject. Yet parents living through this grief greatly need the support of the people around them. Here are a few suggestions to help you support them better.

The fear of saying the wrong thing

It is common to have trouble finding the right words and the right things to do when someone close is suffering. Being afraid of saying the wrong thing or of making the situation worse is completely normal. For grieving parents, being able to count on someone they trust who is available to listen is a great help. Giving them space to share their pain and tell their memories will not cause them more sorrow: on the contrary, it lets them express their emotions and find relief.

A few tips for supporting a grieving loved one

Use a neutral, gentle tone of voice.
Offer the parents your sympathy. You can tell them that you are there to help, that their situation moves you and that you are thinking of them during this ordeal. Sharing your own sadness can be comforting: knowing that their child's death also affected the people close to them helps parents. Sympathy can also come through non-verbal language, such as a hug or a handshake.
Call the baby by name and encourage the parents to talk about them. Speaking of their child can be comforting for them: so do not change the subject when they bring it up, at the risk of hurting them. You can listen to them share their precious memories for as long as they need. If in doubt, simply ask them whether they would like to talk about their story and share their experience.
Reassure the parents. With perinatal loss, they may need to hear that their child received all the love and care they needed, and that they are not responsible for the loss.

What is better not to say or do

Some words and attitudes can have negative repercussions. Here are phrases and gestures to avoid.

Avoid meaningless clichés such as "It's for the best!", "At least you know you're fertile!" or "At least you have another child!". This kind of phrase minimizes the parents' loss and suffering.
Do not judge or take reactions personally. The behaviours and emotions tied to grief can be sharper and more powerful: it is normal for guilt, fear and anger to come up spontaneously.
Avoid saying that you understand their pain, unless you have been through the same ordeal. It is important not to compare feelings and experiences, because every loss and every grieving process is different.
Avoid telling parents what they should feel or do in order to get better. Even when it comes from a caring place, this attitude forces recovery: do not push parents to leave the house or to talk about their emotions if they do not feel like it. It is essential to respect their pace.
Do not look to the parents for comfort. It is normal to feel sorrow after the death, but the parents are not in a position to provide that comfort. If needed, it is better to seek professional help.

There is no cure and no magic words that will make grieving parents' sorrow disappear. Even so, being present and listening can make a great difference in supporting them through this ordeal. Finally, if symptoms of low mood get worse over time, it is important to share your concerns kindly and to encourage them to seek professional help.

The prenato.ca website and the comprehensive information it contains are intended as practical tools for expectant and new parents, as well as for women throughout the various stages of their lives. This information is not intended to replace the skills, knowledge, or experience of qualified healthcare professionals who are familiar with the specific facts, circumstances, and symptoms of each individual. Consequently, Prenato and its staff cannot be held liable for any adverse effects or consequences resulting from the use of the information provided on this site. It is the user's responsibility to consult a physician or a qualified healthcare professional appropriate to their specific needs for any personal health concerns.

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