Sex after baby

The postnatal period is a major transition for a couple who are becoming parents. Most parents-to-be prepare for their baby's arrival through prenatal care, prenatal classes and various readings. What happens within the couple after the birth, on the other hand, is often discussed much less.

Encouraging closeness as a couple after baby

When people talk about returning to sex, many immediately think of penetration, intercourse and orgasm. Yet sexual relations are not defined by intercourse or penetration alone.

There are many ways to grow closer and to experience your sensuality together: closeness, caressing each other, tender words, touching, gently massaging each other, masturbation, looking at each other, kissing and feeling physical responses. All of these are ways to show your love and your desire without necessarily ending in penetration.

Several recent studies indicate that women are more open to sexual contact when they feel loved, respected and desired by their partner. These concrete signs help them feel better in their own skin and be more available to experience sensual and sexual moments again. A new mother is also said to be more drawn to her partner when he supports her and shares the day-to-day responsibilities with the baby, because she is then happier and more satisfied.

Conversely, many new mothers feel guilty or under pressure to quickly resume sexual activity with penetration in order to meet their partner's needs, at the expense of their own.

Sex life after the birth is not always associated with complications, pain or dissatisfaction, contrary to what you sometimes hear. Many new mothers say they know their body better and know how to heighten their pleasure. Good communication within the couple can make all the difference.

Some couples discover new ways of showing their attachment after the birth and say they are very satisfied with them; others find it harder to get back to an active sex life. It is unrealistic to expect a sex life identical to the one you had before pregnancy and birth. That is why active, open communication on the subject helps prevent the conflicts that could come with it.

When can you resume a sex life after the birth?

There is no standard and no strict rule on this. Every couple has its own history, its own needs and its own way of meeting them. Generally speaking, sexual activity can resume when both partners feel ready, physically as much as psychologically. Some couples will see no problem two weeks after the birth, while others will take several months.

Health care providers sometimes give certain instructions, especially when it comes to sex with penetration:

• Wait 3 to 4 weeks, meaning the end of the vaginal bleeding that follows the birth, since the cervix will then be less open and the risk of infection lower.
• Use a water-based lubricant if needed in case of vaginal dryness.
• If there are stitches in the perineum, the vulva or the vagina, wait for the wounds to heal completely, about 6 weeks, before having sex with penetration.
• Start pelvic floor rehabilitation, particularly if the muscles are markedly weakened. This guided training supports better physical recovery and can improve sexual sensation and pleasure.
• After a caesarean section, take the comfort of the wound in the lower abdomen into account; nothing prevents sex with penetration before 6 weeks, however, if both partners feel ready.
• Discuss contraception with your provider, which often opens up the conversation about sex.

Postnatal follow-up

At postnatal appointments, couples often wait for the doctor, the midwife or the nurse to bring up sex life before asking their questions. Your provider can listen, support, reassure, normalize what you are going through and refer you if needed. Do not hesitate to start the conversation yourself in order to get the support you want.

Returning to intimacy is an integral part of a couple's life. You were a couple before becoming parents, and taking care of your relationship helps you stay fulfilled as parents. To preserve that closeness, you often have to plan and set aside moments for the two of you.

A drop in desire or interest after a baby arrives is normal and, most often, temporary. No one should feel pressure to have sex without first feeling ready. Moving forward gradually and gently is often the best way to get there.

If the lack of desire persists in one or the other partner after several months, it is a good idea to see a professional in order to get the support you need and to protect your relationship as a couple.